The Black Swan, by Denny Lancaster
Kia Ora bro's! Somewhere near Taupo, before the shifting of plates, I lived among Myrsine chatamica and Melicytus chathamica, loved to nestle among the Dodonaea viscosa and Corynocarpus laevigatus, all of which you can still find in the Chatham Islands near present day New Zealand in the Pacific Ocean.
My name is not important, but you may recognize my present day evolution, to the left. Oh I know my species, The New Zealand Swan is now extinct and I have been described as a subspecies of the Black Swan, but let me tell you my story.
I was a migratory water bird. My entire body was a brilliant black, including my bill and feet, I shimmered in the sunlight and glowed in the moonlight, when in flight across the entire land mass before the shifting of plates. My purpose was to gather wee folk who had left the tranquility of Faerieland in search of adventure. Now do not go 'up the boohai shooting pukakas' on me bro, I know all of us carked it, so that is why I am telling you my story.
I was real puckeroo one day, which seemed to be busier than usual bringing back wee people and was just about to open my chilly bin which was doodackie and the Faerie Mother popped in to tell me that her favorite dog had gone to the dunny, but had not returned. So I gave went to look flat stick.
Sure enough, the tri colored Shetland Sheepdog was found but only going to the bush. We returned within the hour and The Faerie Mother told me good on ya bro. I then went to bed, awoke much later with a lick on my face and the sheltie and I were forever friends. Writing my story was hard yakka for a New Zealand Black Swan, but I had help from the Grinn Brothers.
Can you tell what part of the story I wrote and what the Grinn Brothers wrote?
Do not go to the other side and become pack a sad when you see "their Black Swan" because I was nothing like that. Just ask any Shetland Sheepdog, they will set my story straight.
Kiwi Slang Footnotes:
Kia Ora: Being a form of Maori greeting and is usually followed by Tena koutou tamariki ma ( basically said as it looks). It's quite civil, simply hello, how are you? (Incidentally you are not expected to reply in the same tongue!).
Somewhere near Taupo: Kiwis figure that to anyone that comes from a large continent such as America or Australia, anywhere in New Zealand, is near Taupo. Just remember that a country mile is as long as a piece of string, and you won’t be far wrong.
'up the boohai shooting pukakas': Out of the way, remote or non existent place, possibly in the head.
carked it: Died!
puckeroo: Something that is broken.
chilly bin: Polystyrene insulated box for keeping food and drinks cold, cooler, esky.
doodackie: Variant of thingummybob or doodad, for an object that you can't think of a name for.
dunny: toilet, bathroom, lavatory
flat stick: As fast as possible, as in 'he was going flat stick when I saw him'.
good on ya: Congratulations, well done.
hard yakka: Hard work.
My Story: The New Zealand Black Swan's take on things.
other side: Australia
pack a sad: Become morose, ill-humoured, broken or dead, as in 'the washing machine packed a sad'.
bush: A large dense area of small and large native trees and plants, forest.
my story straight: Tell the truth.
Copyright:1986-2008